Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Spark

Soul mates, the spark, chemistry, etc etc. These are all terms and general ideologies that operate on the same foundation, that there is some unexplainable, intangible connection between people that exists. It's much like faith, you can feel it but most of the time cannot explain it and when you do the words you use fail and express something that falls short of what's true. The divorce rate of western societal marriage, who has freedom to choose their mate, and the rest of the world, whose mates are chosen for them, is right around the same. What this means to me is that it is possible for 2 complete strangers to have and sustain a healthy life long relationship (marriage). The implication of this is hard work can bond 2 people, but both parties must be willing to endure and grow. In some rare cases an individual is so patient and can bare so much that they are able to stay in a marriage long enough to see their mate change and respond. This takes place in a culture and worldview we cannot really relate to. One where happiness and feelings isn't as important as commitment and honoring vows. Our culture reacts to that and goes to the other extreme, where we think it's all about happiness and emotional well-being. I had a professor say this once, and it has stuck with me and in my experience been confirmed as truth, "We are pendulum people, we swing from one extreme to another throughout life." So is either view of marriage correct, no, not entirely. Should you stay in a miserable existence just to say you endured as much pain as possible? I think not, life isn't about how much pain you can endure, rather how much you can learn from pain and use it in a positive manner to move forward and create. On the other end of the spectrum is the consideration of allowing emotions to rule the day. Emotions are an ever changing variable, shifting sand if you will, so a house cannot be firmly built on something that shifts constantly, no great decision is made on emotions alone.  Moderation is where we want to be in life, we will always swing in some way, but the less the amplitude the better.  So I think the “spark” is something that exists, however, not something we should look for solely.  I had a relationship where our connection was unreal, however, she and I were volatile together because we had zero compatibility.  I think it’s a mix of compatibility and chemistry.   So, can you have a successful relationship or marriage without having an initial spark?  According to statistics studying eastern cultures, yes.  The reality is though, not many have the patience or determination to stick it out to learn to develop it.  It is entirely too difficult for us to manufacture because we cannot endure.  The question becomes, “How much am I willing to endure?”  Having that connection makes things easier and let’s be honest, everyone likes ease.  I think having an initial spark is important but hold that captive to reality.  The same way I feel about emotions, they are extremely important but should be held captive by reality.  What I mean by that is if you feel great doing cocaine but are wrecking your family by doing it, I’d say that feeling of greatness must be held accountable to the consequences of its own existence.  I know this doesn’t cover the depths of that question but I think it scratches the surface enough to make people, me, you, think and consider making wiser decisions.  Boom!  Sometimes I write things and as I write them or even say them aloud something connects and I realize I’m speaking something I wasn’t aware I actually conceived or understood.