Expectations

The doors open….”4 please,” and off we go. The exciting metal box takes us to an adventurous land of wonder, filled with keyboards, staplers, and fax machines. It is a little before 8 as I walk around the corner to a new world, filled with busy fingers, name plates, and almost harmonious incoming phone calls. The low level of chatter sounds like some sort of melodic office chant. The smell of cheap coffee permeates my sense of smell. My journey is almost finished and I am within yards of my destination when I am greeted by something like a monster, a monster empowered and fueled by negativity. Within the first 10 minutes of being at work I am bombarded with negativity. I mean it’s not even 8am yet and people have already decided that they are going to have a bad day. It is a little disheartening that this negative attitude towards things begins so early in the day and then further dictates the rest of the afternoon.

When thinking about this writing I intended it to go in a different direction than the path we will walk down now. My initial thought was in response to something I had read earlier in the day. I was casually reading through the book of Philippians, a letter from Paul, earlier that morning. Paul, who is in jail and being beaten and all kind of other things I am sure the jailing system of that day enjoyed, tells his recipients that he has found a way to be content in everything. Now this is coming from a man being treated like an animal in a cruel jail system by an even crueler government. He tells the Philippians to do everything without grumbling or arguing so that they will shine among other men like stars. My initial writing was going to go something like this:

Paul was a prisoner being cruelly treated and is content. Inspired by the Spirit he says to not grumble in anything and not to argue. You live in a free country, have a job in a tough economy, and are sitting in the air conditioning, shut up and stop complaining!

I now realize that thought process may be true but somewhat simple and shallow though.

I am currently reading, and almost finished with, Don Miller’s new deal, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It is a great book, such an easy read, and full of thought provoking insights. One of the chapters I happened to read this morning was The Reason God Hasn’t Fixed You Yet. The Danish culture is the happiest in the world. There happiness comes from low expectations. The point is not lowering your standards, but considering your expectations and where they come from, if they are fair or logical. He basically says that God will not come in and fix everything while we are here on earth or in our lifetimes like some great movie provide resolution because it is through pain that we learn and through pain we grow. I sat down the book after I read that chapter because he came at life from a perspective I had not been taught. I had been taught that everything will be alright, Jesus will fix it all. But if we do learn through pain, would God be cruel to not let us grow and learn and become more like Him if He did fix it all and not allow pain?

This got me thinking about expectations and how, like everyone else, I have them. So what is it that causes my co-workers to attack me with their bitterness first thing in the morning? Circumstances are ever changing and so it is to be understood that circumstances are not within the control of any given person. Maybe that guy who cut you off in traffic, customer who yelled at you on the phone, manager who made a decision you did not agree with, or co-worker who handled a situation in a way you contrary to yours is not crazy or as bad as you or I may make them out to be, maybe we are unfairly placing expectations on them. Maybe flawed expectations are the problem sometimes. I thought I was going to be judged and thrown out of a friend’s house one week when I made a comment in a conversation. We were talking about how cool it is to see Christians move into urban neighborhoods with the intentions of being the light of Christ. I poked fun at those Christians who say that all people need in areas like that is Jesus and how shallow I thought that theology was when I noticed the glare in eyes and eye brows perched atop foreheads. I continued to say that just going into a neighborhood and preaching doesn’t solve anything because even if they know Jesus and get the gospel that doesn’t fix all the problems, the socioeconomic grab bag of dilemmas they face daily. If the expectation set is that having faith in Christ is going to solve all of our problems and we will be all good hasn’t He failed us all then? The answer would be yes based on that expectation, but I do not know a God that fails, however, I do know a people who have some crooked expectations and theology. We are the problem in our pain, not God or the lack of His presence. Our expectations have made us wanting more and left us in need.

Idealism is not practical and leaves the hopeful empty. Utopia is not the point of this. The point of Jesus is not to create a grandeur escape from this pain, it is to make this pain beautiful and give hope that we can make it, we can live in pain, we can live amongst the fallen world. I think life looks richer like that. I’m not waiting for this delivery from here, I’m looking for completion of here. I think Heaven will manifest itself through a redeemed people, through scars and wounds, blood and tears rather than some easy cop out because our expectations are weak and idealistic. What if we took the dull prism we glared through when looking at life and flipped it upside down or better yet cleaned it (take some CLR to that bad boy!). Instead of thinking that customer is an idiot for not knowing something; we should check our expectation of them knowing it first. Maybe instead of expecting our spouse to know what we are thinking or if we’re having a bad day we could tell them so we wouldn’t get frustrated when they act like they don’t know, we’ve placed an unfair expectation on them. If we did not expect our spouse to be everything than maybe we would not be disappointed when they are not. We cannot expect the customer to understand all the complexities of our business therefore cannot expect them to ask “smart questions.” Does this make sense? Maybe the rest of the world isn’t crazy, maybe our expectations are bad. Maybe Jesus isn’t just a religion; maybe our expectations of what He is and does are wrong. We cannot expect Jesus to change the world if we expect Him to just fix it all, He does not wear a shiny white bath robe, a brilliant purple sash, nor does he have a clean shaved beard or hair. He is a nitty-gritty old Jewish guy who wants to get through the tough spots of life with you not for you.

May you check your expectations at the door. May you see the world in a new light and see Jesus without idealistic or irrelevant expectations. May you change the world around you with the knowledge that expectations might be the problem sometimes. May you have a great week at work, may you not feel stressed, may your attitude not be based upon false expectations.

Inner Thoughts Part 2

You know what is great about education? It drags things out of you that you did not know existed. It inspires you to learn and grow. Have you ever been speaking and you say something that you needed to hear? Like it has been inside you, but you didn’t have the words or mental capacity before to articulate it, but for some reason in that moment you say exactly what you needed to hear. Or maybe someone says something that you needed to hear. Maybe someone asks you a question that requires you to dig so deep to answer that it actually drags something out that you need to know exist within you. I just finish writing two final papers that did just that. As I read and spoke about them I felt my heart leaping with joy again, I felt passion and peace in my life. Here is the second question and my response. I hope maybe this can inspire or encourage you as it has me.

The Question: Write a two to three page paper on “My Life Mission Statement.”

I am convinced that turning in 3 pages with 1 word a piece on them (I- Don’t- Know) would result in a failing grade, but simply put, “I do not know,” is the answer to my life’s mission statement. I have long yearned for an articulate answer to this question and through nearly 5 years of being a Christian filled with many changes, pains, joys, accomplishments, set backs, and a plethora of other circumstances a specific life mission statement still alludes me. Maybe the re-defining the term life mission statement will aid my journey though. In typical Westernized Christianity a life’s mission statement is summed up in phrases like, Serve AIDS infected orphans in Africa, Help recovering addicts break their cycle of addiction, become a pastor at a local church, etc. I find no place for myself in these definitions of life mission statements; I do not believe I have been wired to think in specifics, but more holistically. I have tried to squeeze myself into an identity that fits within the typical mission statement response, but am always left bewildered and frustrated. These frustrations have led me down a path that is leading me toward a more ambiguous life mission statement and require a new mindset towards the general idea of life mission statement. I suppose my journey trying to follow Christ has left me more disillusioned with the Western religion of Christianity than I expected therefore it is foreign to me to choose a specific mission within its context.

Jesus set forth several principles that a follower/disciple is to live by and act upon:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments (Matthew 23:25-26).”

And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen (Matthew 28:18-20).

Love and pray for your enemies (Mathew 5:38-48).

It is my desire to follow these principles to the best of my ability, dependant on God for the strength and knowledge. In a recent reading of 2 Peter additional His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ (2 Peter 1:3-9). As I have read and studied the Bible I have come to more of an understanding that it is about holistic lifestyle than specific calling. I know people who have moved from their homes to go across the ocean to minister the gospel because they felt called. I cannot speak for others callings. I was born and raised in Jacksonville, FL. At the age of 21 I started following Jesus and at 22 I moved away from Jacksonville and took up residence in Indianapolis Indiana. I felt called to move here and help start a church. Everything I knew at the time was pulling me and making my bones ache for the city of Indianapolis. 4 years after this move I now find myself in the same city feeling a different calling, if you want to call it that. I’ve been on a journey for several months recently trying to rediscover my calling, trying to understand what a calling is. The one scripture I can never shake when thinking of my calling is found in Isaiah.

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and
exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were
seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two
they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to
one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is
full of his glory." At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds
shook and the temple was filled with smoke. "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined!
For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and
my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." Then one of the seraphs
flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the
altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your
lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for." Then I heard the voice
of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said,
"Here am I. Send me (Isaiah 6:1-8)!"

The general idea here is that God revealed himself to Isaiah, forgave him, broke his heart for something, and then sent him. This is a very simple principle that I have wrestled with for years now. What God broke my heart for 5 years ago is much different than what my heart aches for today. The reality is that I find myself sitting in the same coffee shop on the same block downtown, surrounded by the same people, but feel much different than I did before. No outside factors have changed, but everything is different. This leads me to believe that the difference is within me. I have come to an awareness that callings change. I allowed guilt to haunt me for months because I did not understand that a calling can change. I felt called to move to Indianapolis to start churches, but felt myself falling further and further from this passion I believed God placed within me. The guilt was that I thought I was dishonoring God or had fallen away and become so far from God that I no longer even felt called. Operating from a fixed calling principle does not allow for adjustable factors. I wonder how many people continue within their calling when passion has become a distant memory and the calling feels empty. I wonder how many people are aimlessly active physically, but paralyzed emotionally, spiritually, and mentally? I have listened to a watched many men on Sunday mornings preach who feel called, but you cannot feel a bit of passion in them. Their messages do not seem to be empowered by anything. These men continue to follow their calling when it is possible that God may have changed their passion or calling. I’ve also offered counsel to friends who long to escape their current circumstances to serve God. They feel like they must flee from their trivial life in order to serve Him. I I think that specific callings are not life long and given more in seasons. That opinion makes it difficult to answer a question intended to reveal a life long mission statement. The traditional definition of a calling, a specific act or ministry, suffocates my own understanding and application of following Jesus in a holistic way.

My life mission statement is to follow Jesus in a relevant way where He calls me to act. The circumstance may change, what my heart aches and longs for may change, but He will not. Love will not change. Jesus calling me to love others will not change. I suppose my life mission statement is simple, follow Jesus the best I can within the context I find myself in. It has taken me a while to get there, but I find comfort in that ambiguous calling, that vague mission statement. I thank God that I am able to say I can follow Jesus and know Love and because of that I live my life in response to Him.

Inner Thoughts Part 1

You know what is great about education? It drags things out of you that you did not know existed. It inspires you to learn and grow. Have you ever been speaking and you say something that you needed to hear? Like it has been inside you, but you didn’t have the words or mental capacity before to articulate it, but for some reason in that moment you say exactly what you needed to hear. Or maybe someone says something that you needed to hear. Maybe someone asks you a question that requires you to dig so deep to answer that it actually drags something out that you need to know exist within you. I just finish writing two final papers that did just that. As I read and spoke about them I felt my heart leaping with joy again, I felt passion and peace in my life. Here is the first question and my response. I hope maybe this can inspire or encourage you as it has me.

The Question: Write a paper on the topic: “The Measure of Spirituality.” This should be at least 5 pages or not more than 7 pages.

Holy Roller, self-righteous, pious, virtuous, upright, moral…A description of a spiritually mature person typically includes these terms. In the same breathe though, these words have also hurt, oppressed, and violated people and their creator, the God Almighty, and ultimately, they crucified Him. Many righteous have betrayed God, much piety has fueled oppression, but that does not mean one should dismiss the importance of these terms, in their intended meaning, and adopt emotionally driven mysticism. God is an orderly God. God is a loving God. He is loving and just. Humans have failed being like Him because we all swing like pendulums. From one an extreme to another we sway, conservative to liberal, religious to heathen, loving to hateful. Somewhere in the middle of these extremes is a beautiful ground Jesus calls us to live in. The extreme of religion, piety, virtue, and self righteousness created a system of analysts. The problem with the analysis was that the data group scrutinized was the wrong group of data, not intended to be evaluated. The wrong data is other’s spirituality. I am convinced that the Gospel is truly beautiful and that if everyone lived a life full of self examination that it could change the world in a very powerful way. If we would get out of the way the power of God could be tangible in the city and across nations. I suggest that any measure of spirituality must begin internally to be effective.

The fear in this approach is that a measure may look a bit different depending upon the individual. We are all made unique, none being the same, thus we cannot expect an analytical process to be static. You do not measure a solid the same as a liquid, nor is an ounce of salt as powerful as an ounce of Cayenne pepper. The idea is that we have so many things different about us that it is asinine for any one system of measurement to be considered standard. It is more practical to consider principle over method and mean. I used to have a mentor that would ask me tough questions about dating relationships I found myself in. I started dating one girl and by the second week of dating her my mentor told me that I needed to walk into her house and pray with her entire family, hand out tracks together, and do street evangelism on our weekends. This seemed odd to me, but for him this is what he measured as a spiritual relationship. There once was a blind man, born that way, who had been waiting by this pool for 38 years hoping to become healed. Jesus heals him and opens his eyes. The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had made him well. So because Jesus was doing these things on the Sabbath the Jewish leaders began to persecute him (John 5:15-16). We read this and scoff at such a response to healing. However, a very real measure of spirituality for the Jewish leaders was keeping the Sabbath. Jesus’ message opposed this mentality and irrelevant measure of spirituality directly. Jesus was less interested about measuring spirituality of others than he was in empowering and challenging others to measure their spirituality within themselves. There was a widow that came to the temple to give her offering. Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything-all she had to live on (Mark 12:41-43)." The measure of spirituality in that day was putting in large amounts, like a carnival game or something, the greater the input the greater chance of a big furry prize. Jesus was not interested in the amount or that measure of spirituality, rather He was interested in her heart. Jesus is very interested in the hearts of those who follow Him, those who are spiritual. Maybe the measuring stick looks different, but it comes in response of the same grace.

I do believe principles can be measurements of spirituality though. John states that God is love (1 John 4:16b). Jesus calls us to be His disciples. A disciple of Christ is now called a Christian. The term Christian was first given as a scarlet letter, a provoking insult. The early followers were being made fun of because they were like little Christs. What an honor it is to wear that badge now though. Jesus said that He and the Father are one (John 10:21). Jesus claims equality with God. God is love, therefore Jesus is love. What is love though? If we are to seek to become like Christ who is love then what is love? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 12:4-7). Francis Chan eloquently and very challengingly says that you can replace the word love in that passage with Jesus. If you can replace it with Jesus and we are to be like Jesus then you can transpose our name for His in place of love as well. In principle, a spiritual person is like Jesus, who is love. So a practical measure within oneself would be the practice of reflecting on that principle. Am I patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered. Do I keep records of wrongs? Do I rejoice in truth, always protect, trusts, hope, and persevere? This is a way one can measure their own spirituality.

If the Spirit of God resides in you then it will produce fruit. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other (Galatians 5:22-26). Does the fruit of joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control characterize our lives? If the answer is no then it is worth looking into for yourself. These characteristics can look different in a variety of circumstances. Maybe patience looks like not pumping your fists in the air while sitting in the morning commuter traffic. Kindness may be as simple as listening to someone in great distress or lending money to the needy. Faithfulness could be being faithful to a spouse or as simple as sticking with God through rough times. Gentleness could be holding your tongue and not being so highly opinionated and argumentative. Self-control may be a diet or fasting. The practical application of the principle will and often does look different for every individual and thus must never have an inert set of measurements as methods.

Paul suggest to the Colossian church that as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful (Colossians 3:12-15). Peter writes and advises that we reflect on our faith and Jesus often. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (2 Peter:5-11). Disciples of Christ wrote the New Testament to remind followers to examine themselves. They wrote to promote measuring spirituality. The measures though are individual, not corporate or to be counted by others.

Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves (2 Corinthians 13:5). Paul gives a very clear avocation here. Overall I think that the measure of one’s spirituality must begin within. When that self examination is rich and full and active then I think they gospel will bridge the gaps so many external spiritual measurements have caused over history. By measuring your own spirituality you can be spiritual working at a call center, a home improvement store, being a basketball coach, a soccer mom, or a parent. Any aspect of life can be casually impacted by Christ’s power if we would all examine ourselves before we look to others. We would be wise to heed to Jesus’ critique to the spiritual people of His day, “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye (Matthew 7:5).” Self examination of internal spiritual measures will make themselves apparent to others as they watch you live life. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15)… In being able to give a reason for your hope Jesus’ message and love is spread much more than ever trying to recruit others into a system of measure that is irrelevant to them. The danger in measuring others spirituality is you might just crucify God. The early spiritual people took that path. Let us always learn from history and seek to measure our spirituality within.

I'm a Headless Chicken

This is no theological rant, this is no general revelation, this is a personal moment that I’d like to share with anyone that knows me and this page.

I do not like snakes…I think they are gross and I am very scared of them. I don’t even like to look at books with pictures of them. I especially hate watching videos of them because it always seems that the money shot is of the snake attacking the camera. Ewww, I hate snakes. When I was a kid, growing up in Florida, I used to patrol the yard before I would mow the grass with a couple shovels looking for them because I wanted to kill them. If you are an animal lover and are already offended just keep reading and get over it, I was a kid. I still have a very vivid image of a particular day in my mind. Even as I write this I can feel myself wanting to leap from my chair, my toes are curled up, and my shoulders are tense. I finished my perusing of the yard and found no foe to slay so I continue to bring out the lawnmower. To my surprise a large snake burst from underneath the mower. My first reaction was to give him the good ol’ kibosh, down with the shovel. Now I hold the head of a snake in my shovel that should be dead. It is still opening its mouth and doing its tongue thing though. We’ve all heard the phrase of running around like a chicken with its head cut off too. I’ve seen it, it’s real. No, I am not in a morbid mood, something just hit me the other day while thinking about my life and where I find myself.

Where am I? Well, I am in a big transition place right now. In January of this year I left the church that I moved up here to help start, Indy Metro, to help another person with another church plant, Response. At Metro I had structured learning, accountability, and plenty of challenges from older men to grow. At Response I had a vibrant community of fellow believers I had relationships with. Now I am trying to find a place where Julia (my girlfriend) and I can grow together at. We are going to journey though the rest of this life together so we need to be growing together as well. Because of recent circumstances and such I have not been able to attend a Sunday gathering regularly or the Wed night house church we began to attend together. So I am in a totally new community and don’t know anyone and cannot be consistent in the times when they do gather. Paul makes this beautiful parallel between the body and the church. He lays it out that every part of the body is dependant upon the rest of the body. The heart needs the hand, the foot needs the eye, the mouth needs the stomach, etc. What happens to the body as a whole is clear when a piece is missing, it does not operate at full capacity. But what about the part that is missing or sick, how is it affected by not being whole and connected to the rest of the body?

Remember that chicken’s body just running around without a head? Well, it’s disconnection from vital organs and things that make it live causes it to still have nerve endings that are being stimulated that send signals that recreated actions that are stored in muscle memory. This disconnected part is actually dead, but still running around due to the last memories of nerve impulses and muscle memory. If there was some way to miraculously reconnect the head, nerves, blood vessels, and other necessary things that would make a clean and efficient reconnection, then everything would level out again and the chicken would begin to act and operate as it was made to, things would make sense. I’m watching myself run around like it’s crazy because I am disconnected from the body, the church. Getting reconnected is miraculous and in Christ it is possible, just going through the process to find the community and friends is taking its toll on me and I’m running around like crazy. I don’t have any older men speaking wisdom into my life, I don’t have a bunch of people that I consistently hang out with that are encouraging in my faith, I do not have any connections that I need. This transition is necessary because what is most important is being a good husband in the future and us growing together, but it is just hard.

So please pray that I can be calm during this transition and not give up, not be down, and not run around like I’m missing my head.

Socrates was right...

“An unexamined life is not worth living.” –Socrates

I entered the world Oct 18, 1983 and 26 years have passed. Naked Anniversaries are celebrated in different ways. Some people do not like to celebrate them at all, for them that celebration almost solidifies their aging and time behind them, they mark another year closer to becoming old. I see things a bit different from that view. It would be an accurate statement to call me a thinker or analytical. I use these birthdays to reflect on my life. Yesterday was a good day, full of reflection and expression of progression. My biological father came in town for the weekend, I visited the church I moved up here to help start, I really thought about how much I appreciate my parents, hung out with an old friend, and had some rich conversation and spent time with my girl J.

My mom and dad divorced when I was pretty young and then there was a 15 year gap of no contact with my dad. I hated that man for along time because I didn’t understand a lot of things and allowed bitterness and unforgiveness to dictate my attitude. So after 15 years of never spending any time with him I found myself at 4am sitting in a white castle across from him. I was very nervous about him coming to town. We had been in contact over the email for several months that eventually lead to this trip being planned. Although I didn’t plan for it to be on my birthday weekend, it is no accident or coincident that it did. He came in on a Greyhound Bus and arrived in Indianapolis at 3:20am. I arrived around 4:30am because I overslept though. I searched the bus station for a man I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I could not see anyone close to what I remember him looking like or what I imagined. We had discussed 24 hour food places over the email a couple times, so I walked over to white castle thinking he may have walked over there. I walked in and saw him sitting in the back. My heart raced as I faced a man that I never thought I’d see or spend time with again. After small talk we got back to my apartment, he could not check into his hotel until noon, and chat some more. That chat quickly turns from small talk to deep talk. A lot of old feelings and questions were drug back out of me. I didn’t anticipate having the conversation this weekend, although I knew it would come up, and I didn’t bring him to Indianapolis to attack him or corner him. The conversation heated up and I got a lot off my chest and said things to him that I needed to say. Don’t get the wrong picture though, my speech came form a place of love and peace. I had been working on my forgives issue with him within myself for a couple years before this. After I said what I needed to say and we talked and he answered some questions it seems like the nervousness and tension disappeared. I spent Saturday showing him my life, my city, and re-introducing him to me and who I was now. Sunday was cool because I was able to actually ask about him and get to know him a little bit better. It was a good time and I think something God had been stirring in me for years. It was the pinnacle of forgiveness, reconciliation, and progression for me. As I reflected on all this I just thanked God and smiled as I knew that, as hard as it all has been, I was doing the will of God.

“Did my doctor tell you something I should know?” That’s the message I received from my step dad, Danny early in the afternoon Saturday. After my deep talk with my biological father, Alan, I really reflected and realized how appreciative I was of my mom and Danny as well. I sent them a text message that said something along the lines of, “I love you and appreciate all you’ve done for me.” That was a good place to be in, a place of appreciation and love. I think it was a growing point in my relationship with them as well. I think it is important for parents to be told how much they are loved and appreciated by their adult children in response to reflection.

Yesterday, Sunday, I woke up, went to Julia’s and ate some breakfast and waited for her to get ready. After that we began quite the adventurous day. We went to church at Indy Metro because the church community gathering we attend normally was doing community service and painting a building so I figured it wouldn’t be cool to have a visitor come with us and paint, plus I wanted to show him the church that I helped start. After church we went to lunch and a friend and his lady, Andrew & Chirsten, came with. We went to Taste in Broad Ripple. If you have never been or you are visiting Indy, I’d suggest you go, your life and taste buds will be expanded and enriched! Then we all went to Waterman’s Farm and Fall festival type deal. We took a hey ride, got lost in the corn maze, and picked out own pumpkins. I dropped everyone off at their respectable locations and got in a little quiet time for myself at Starbucks, actually got some reading done in a book I’ve been wanting to finish. I met up with my dad Alan for dinner and then after that went to bed. So that is what was on the itinerary yesterday. But back to Indy Metro. Julia said she felt like she was with the popular kid in school because I knew everyone. I don’t say this to boast, but say it with joy because God used me to impact people and they remember and actually like me. I remember still sitting in living rooms and coffee shops dreaming about what Indy Metro would look like, the early days when 6 of us would just talk about it while trying to manage our own ways around a new city, to us at least, Indianapolis. The building was very full and the crowd was very diverse. It was cool to see something that I was once part of getting started and off the ground flourish.

Julia and I were talking about how much fun Sunday was when she made the statement, “I think Andrew is one of your few true friends.” That statement brings joy to my heart, it’s a good thing for me to think on. I’ve gone through a lot of questioning of “friendships” lately so it is good to hear from my best friend that she sees another friend in my life. That statement alone made me think about all Andrew and I had been through. When I first met Andrew, it was at a Starbucks. Someone had given my name through Indy Metro as a way to get plugged in and connected. He was going through a rough time and for the next several months we spent a lot of time together, eating taco bell, watching football, going to The Living Room, and jumping out of airplanes. It was cool to reflect on where our friendship had been and interesting to see the dynamic of it change. Overall though, it was very cool to reflect on a good friend and our friendship. We even made plans to take them to our favorite restaurant an upcoming weekend!

I can say from a very sober, logical, and seasoned mind that Julia is my best friend. We have such great conversations and she helps me grow in ways she doesn’t even know. Trough out all this reflection, last year, and most recent life transition, the most consistent thing besides God has been Julia. Our relationship has truly become what I would call rich. Just reflecting on all the above made me think of her being in my life so much and being so supportive of me.

Overall it was a great weekend full of reflection. This morning, as I rode to work in complete silence, like I normally do, I just thanked God for all He had done in my life. I have a ton to be thankful for and see these last 26 years as ones that have molded me into who I am today. Socrates was on to something when he made that statement. An unexamined life is not worth living, it is great to reflect, learn, grow, and be thankful.

Wanted: Solitude

Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep. In a swift, ninja-like move, the snooze button silences the world for 2-8 minutes before the grind begins. A friend once pondered if there was ever a point in life that you actually feel the pull of gravity or the reality of our earth spinning on its axis at a slight tilt. Everything is moving so fast. There is twitter, facebook, and other social networking sites, instant messenger programs, ways to track people on their cell phones, ability to watch television from a cell phone, and so much more that can keep one going, spinning, faster and faster, daily. Sleep is seen as an inconvenience. I used to go three days at a time with no sleep because I could just so much more done if I didn’t sleep. The early pioneers of the internet prescribed that wed be able to do the same amount of wok with less man hours with the internet. I eventually would pass out, exhausted, and sleep for days at a time. The internet has enslaved us to never ending information and flow of even more work. Eventually we will sleep out of necessity because our bodies have been so wonderfully made that we require it. Sleeping does not allow one to consciously realize that hey are at rest. So from the time we wake until we fall asleep we are running on the treadmill of consciousness that never ends. If the body needs rest so does the mind, the spirit, the soul. Rest, quite, solitude, slowing down, do these words seem foreign to you? Are they things you long for but do not feel you are able to do?

A spiritual discipline that is not often practiced, yet very powerful is simple, solitude. Whether in principle or practice solitude has its place in every life. Many people, mostly my generation, the over caffeinated, over stimulated, under rested ones, cringe at the idea of solitude. A nice lady suggested in class one night this weekend retreat place for everyone. It was far removed from society and very quiet. Some people also like living in the suburbs. I am not a solitude person in terms described above nor am I ever some one you will see enjoying the safety of a nice quiet neighborhood in the ‘burbs somewhere. This is not to take away from the need for solitude though. Solitude is not one thing, solitude can paint itself a different color on any canvas, in any life. A turbo charger is a simple and very prevailing bolt on for most vehicles. The turbo charger sucks in air very fast, creates pressure, and then blows it out for better performance. That is the most simple definition of a turbo charger you will ever find. There is so much pressure that if their were no release valve or exhaust that it would blow up, many teenagers do this on their parents buck. My mind runs like a turbo charged engine, my blog is the only exhaust I have. Solitude for me is sitting at a low key coffee shop, with my headphones blaring some classical music, reading and writing. I can not sit and be quiet because I feel my mind begins to wander and I cannot focus. I need loud music to block thoughts from my mind. It is there, at a corner table in a local coffee shop, headphones screaming, and fingers typing where I find my solitude most. I also journal. Some people do not see this as solitude, some people think I need quiet nature walks. Everyone is open to their opinion, but if you took my solitude mechanisms away from me I’d go crazy. The point here is that solitude may look different in practice for everyone, but solitude in principle does not change. Solitude is a way to center yourself, slow down and reflect. Reflection is where salvation begins so it is very important to reflect. We need to process this fast paced world and rest, whatever that looks like.

My suggestion is to follow the example of Jesus in principle, not practice. Jesus practiced solitude a lot, He practiced it within a certain atmosphere, unique personality, and specific time. Unless one can reproduce these circumstances, personalities, and times without flaw it is a failing thought to even attempt to follow Jesus’ example of solitude as a model. A quick read through any Gospel would reveal Jesus was always separating Himself and getting alone with the Father. Plane tickets are expensive right now and I don’t own a Delorian to zap myself back in time, so I cannot do what Jesus did. However, I can practice the principle that exposes itself in His life and ministry, solitude. Everyone needs to slow down and think, no matter who you are, no one can handle the amount of information coming down our path, nor the life circumstances we do not plan. To avoid becoming overwhelmed we need rest, we were designed to rest, our bodies do it naturally. We have been taught unhealthy things in our lifetime that negate this idea of solitude, but deep within us all our souls are screaming for rest, solitude, and time to reflect. I pray you will find what it is that brings you to this place, I pray you can find rest with the Father like Jesus did, in your own way, and I pray that you can be at peace with life, love God, and love people.

Blind Seers

Do you ever what the point of this reading, studying, praying, getting close to God stuff is about? Well, for most of my early years following Jesus I thought it was about getting to a certain point of maturity or understanding that translated into perfect living. Avoid all the sin, do all the good, and you would be set, a good Christian, it’s just that easy. So in just three payments of $19.99 you can have the perfect Christian lifestyle! Well, that Price is not right and that logic falls flat on its face. There is this sense of guilt when we fail to meet our envisioned destination, a sense of never being able to be right, get right, or act right. Finding myself, often times, walking around with a heavy burden of failure this abundant life lost its flare and become more of an oppressive ideology than liberating life. Instead of enjoying the abundance from life with God we are too busy worrying about arriving at that destination of good or becoming the perfect Christian. Is this really what Jesus was after? Is this what being a disciple of Jesus looks like?

I was reading the gospel according to John yesterday morning and I found that the answer is no. The Biblical answer to wanting to become all knowing and understanding is actually no. This is huge, ground breaking because it flips a lot of modern ideology on its head. “For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind…If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now you claim you can see, your guilt remains (John 9:39-41).” What? How can blind see and those who see be blind? I really try to shed any presumptions I have when reading this stuff, I really want to understand it as it was meant to be understood. Context, it’s truly all about context. What is the environment in which these words were spoke and what did they mean to that environment? After answering this one can begin to understand things that a 3 point sermon with rhyming points may miss.

The Pharisees were this Holy Roller type group of cats who stood firm on the Law, the Law being all that was spoken to Moses at Sinai. They were so committed to this law that they over looked everything else. Obsession is probably the best word to describe their infatuation with this law. Their obsession led them to respond to a man who was born blind that could now see like this, “This man is not from God for he does not keep the Sabbath.” Warm-hearted is not a word I’d use to describe these guys, they were brutal. Reading through the little scuffle between this man and the Pharisees reveals how crazy it all is. They go back and forth on who Jesus is and how he (the blind man) received his sight. “If this man were not from God, he could do nothing,” the man said. To this they replied, “You were steeped in sin at birth; how dare you lecture us!” And they threw him out. That last statement by the Pharisees implies a lot. They are implying that they were not steeped in sin from birth, that they somehow had reached a level of maturity or spirituality that is far greater than any sinner could. They had arrived at a destination. The religious culture of that day ate it up too. The Pharisees were like local celebrities, so holy and upright, in all their ways. Jesus blows through town and ruins all that. I don’t believe Jesus was in the optometry business and couldn’t have cared so much that He came to only give sight to blind people and cruelly make all people with sight blind. That cannot be taken literally, so what does it mean? If you look at this man in the text, he is not religious, not a scholar, and in no way a Pharisee, he had not arrived, and didn’t claim too. In the middle of the Pharisees deep questioning of whether Jesus was a sinner or not the man simply says, I don’t know, but I know I can see now. The blind man could now see because of Jesus. The Pharisees were now being told that if they were blind they would not be guilty of sin; if is a big word here. It entails that the Pharisees are not blind, but actually see (or so they say). Jesus is saying that those who do not have it all figured out, have not arrived, are not religiously elite, are the ones who will really see. They are blind by all means and can only see because of Jesus. The ones that can comfortably say, I don’t know, but all I do know is that I once was blind, but now I see. Seeing Jesus is life. Those who claim to see, the Pharisees, the religious elite, the ones who have arrived, will actually be blinded, Jesus will shut them off, their arrogant intelligence is actually blinding them from life, from seeing Jesus.

If all that is true then the point of following Jesus cannot be to figure it all out or arrive at the spiritual pinnacle of understanding because it is there that Jesus says, you are just blind. Maybe this entire journey is about seeing Jesus, accepting His healing, His sight, and living our lives as a response to it. Seems to be all about humility to me, staying humble as we follow Christ.
We will mature along the way, but we will never arrive or have it all figured out. Maybe we should be more weary of arriving than trying to pursue it. This is not to say learning is not important. I say that education is the hinge on which humanity swings. Education of what is to be debated, but the principle remains. Education, maturing, learning, they are all means to an end. That end is not to arrive or figure it out though. The end that is justified by the means is to simply follow Jesus, rely on Him, and to never allow your knowledge to glorify yourself, but Him. There are so many kind hearted, Jesus loving people out there who just give up on their faith or maturing because they do not think they can be like the religiously elite around them. To these people I say, Jesus doesn’t want you to ever say that you see, that you’ve got it all figured out, and always look to Him for sight and understanding. May you seek Jesus, follow Him, and learn about Him. May you live in response to Jesus’ abundant life and sight offered, and may you see that being blind is actually they best place you can be because Jesus says you will see.